Gastronaut extract
Bum Sandwich recipe
I’ve never been much of a fan of Fanny Cradock’s TV shows, but her writing was sublime. She’s just as snotty and overbearing on the page as on TV, but somehow the self-serving, name-dropping snobbery reads like irony. Her most endearing feature was her membership of a small but dedicated culinary subgroup known as bum-cookers. These are people who believe that a good pair of warm fleshy buttocks can be put to work as an excellent low-temperature oven.
Fanny’s bum generally stuck to currant buns. This is from Fanny
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Johnnie Cradock’s Time to Remember: “Fanny always sat on currant buns…sitting on it squished the currants which made the flattened bun taste far nicer”. I’ve tried it, and she’s dead right – the slightly clammy warmth given off by one’s posterior softens the bun up a treat. It’s best to butter them before slipping them under, but beware: put them in a plastic bag otherwise you’ll stain your knickers.
On a grander scale, there’s a lovely tale told by Mark Kurlansky in his book Choice Cuts about the legendary food writer MFK Fisher who made a French bread sandwich, wrapped it in clingfilm and instructed her guest to sit on it for an hour. This also has echoes of the French Pan Bagnat, which is a kind of salad nicoise in a baguette, slathered in vinaigrette, wrapped tightly and left for a couple of hours to soak. |
Intrigued, I carried out extensive experiments and became rather obsessed with the technique. Basically you sit on a well-wrapped sandwich and squash all the ingredients together with the aid of your constant 37C body temperature and the downward pressure of your torso – like a human sandwich toaster. Incidentally, kids seem to love it. I’ve tested baps, currant buns, sourdough and a variety of fillings, all of which were glorious. It always pays to use a few aromatic ingredients like herbs, pesto or charmoula whose flavours will seep through the sandwich during the long slow process. For best results you should procure the posterior of a pregnant woman – my wife is currently with child, and she works a treat.
Here’s the technique:
| ·1 |
Bread (crusty French bread or sourdough are perfect, but anything will do). |
| ·2 |
Butter |
| ·3 |
Fillings – choose two from Ham, good cheese, chicken, avocado etc |
| ·4 |
Mustard (or pesto, chermoulah, taramosalata, salsa verde etc) |
| ·5 |
Mayonnaise |
| ·6 |
Fresh herbs if you have them – parsley, thyme and rosemary are all good, as long as they go with your filling ingredients) |
| ·7 |
Watercress or rocket, |
Cut your bread thickly and butter it lavishly. Make your sandwich with generous amounts of filling and, most crucially, spread on the pesto, mayonnaise, herbs and watercress (or rocket). Wrap the sandwich securely in a generous quantity of cling film – this will protect your clothes from greasy ingredients, and the sandwich from any noxious escapes.
Instruct your guests to sit on the sandwich for as long as possible – an hour is ideal.
Unwrap the sandwich and cut into finger-thick strips. Serve with cornichons and perhaps a glass of cider.
NB: The Venus Sandwich is another bum-cooked classic and reputedly an aphrodisiac (isn’t everything?). Take a French loaf and extract its doughy white innards. Drizzle with olive oil then stuff with anchovies, stoned olives, capers, chopped tomatoes and artichoke hearts. Wrap it tightly in clingfilm and sit on it. An hour should do it just fine. Presumably you should spend as much of that hour thinking lascivious thoughts, then eat it in the sack. With someone else, mind.
Music Suggestion
Ash’s ‘Girl From Mars’, Belle and Sebastian’s ‘Simple Things’ and ‘If She Wants Me’, The Clash’s ‘Train In Vain’, Queen’s ‘Fat Bottomed Girls’.
Ó Stefan Gates 2005
