Bum Sandwich
From Gastronaut book and Gastronuts
I’ve never been much of a fan of Fanny Cradock’s TV shows, but her writing was sublime. She’s just as snotty and overbearing on the page as on TV, but somehow the self-serving, name-dropping snobbery reads like irony. Her most endearing feature was her membership of a small but dedicated culinary subgroup known as bum-cookers. These are people who believe that a good pair of warm fleshy buttocks can be put to work as an excellent low-temperature oven.
Fanny’s bum generally stuck to currant buns. This is from Fanny & Johnnie Cradock’s Time to Remember: ‘Fanny always sat on currant buns . . . sitting on it squished the currants which made the flattened bun taste far nicer.’ I’ve tried it, and she’s dead right – the slightly clammy warmth given off by one’s posterior softens the bun up a treat. It’s best to butter them before slipping them under, but beware: put them in a plastic bag otherwise you’ll stain your knickers.
On a grander scale, there’s a lovely tale told by Mark Kurlansky in his book Choice Cuts about the legendary food writer M F K Fisher, who made a French bread sandwich, wrapped it in cling film and instructed her guest to sit on it for an hour. This also has echoes of the French pain bagnat, which is a kind of salad niçoise in a baguette, slathered in vinaigrette, wrapped tightly and left for a couple of hours to soak.
Intrigued, I carried out extensive experiments and became rather obsessed with the technique. Basically, you sit on a well-wrapped sandwich and squash all the ingredients together with the aid of your constant 37ºC body temperature and the downward pressure of your torso – like a human sandwich toaster. Incidentally, kids seem to love it. I’ve tested baps, currant buns, sourdough and a variety of fillings, all of which were glorious. It always pays to use a few aromatic ingredients like herbs, pesto or chermoula, whose flavours will seep through the sandwich during the long slow process. For best results you should procure the posterior of a pregnant woman – my wife always worked a treat.
